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Expressing Sympathy

couple expressing sympathy holding hands
Couple expressing sympathy holding hands

If you are offering condolences:

  • Expressing sympathy is a way to say you care. Smile. It may seem counterintuitive, but if you can, offer the bereaved family members a warm smile. It’s a nonverbal message that says you have wonderful memories and that you cared.
  • A simple statement like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” is sufficient. If you like, you can mention something relational, like “Scott was a wonderful man. We played golf together once a month and I always enjoyed his company.”
  • Staying positive, to the extent possible in the midst of your own grief, is a help to the family. Even though we are deeply caring and empathetic, your smile and affirming words will bring comfort to the grieving family.
  • Charles Dannel summarizes his advice in three, easy-to-remember statements: “Be bright. Be brief. Be gone.”
  • Understandably, the family is exhausted. Still, your very presence is the most meaningful thing you can offer, so don’t agonize over what to say. “If you can be a light, the family will remember and be grateful,” says Charles. The family may not recall the exact words of what was said to them, but they will appreciate that you were there.

Respecting Privacy

Occasionally, there is curiosity about how a person died, especially if it was unexpected. Some families choose to be open about circumstances and causes, but others elect not to do so. In either situation, it’s best to be guided by the family, honoring their wishes and their privacy. Even though you have concerns, avoid asking the family what happened. Focus on supporting them in their loss and grief, whether or not you know the full story. Your presence is a wonderful gift to the family. So is showing respect for their privacy.

image of couple hugging in a church pew

If You Are Receiving Condolences:

  • Smile, if you can. Receive the love and warmth those in attendance are doing their best to extend to you. Everyone feels awkward, and while it isn’t necessary for you to put them at ease, being aware of their struggle might help, should well-meaning folks offer platitudes that may conflict with your beliefs or your feelings.
  • According to Charles Dannel, the easiest and most polite response is always something like, “Thank you for your thoughts.”
  • It’s true that at times of grief and death, people don’t know what to say, so they try to say what might be meaningful to them, hoping it will help. Mostly, visitors don’t want to make you even more sad. And few feel adept at expressing sympathy appropriately. So trust in the good intentions offered, and appreciate how much you and your family member was loved.